Saturday, April 3, 2010

Spreading Around Easter Joy

Easter can be a frustrating holiday. Gorge the kids on sugar and sweets then force them to sit still during church. Realize that your Easter bonnet isn’t as bonnetty as everyone else’s. No football during the family dinner. Here I’ve come up with a few ways to make Easter a lot more fun. Try a few of these suggestions to enhance your Easter merriment. Feel free to email them to Martha Stewart. It’s a good thing.

Fill your easter eggs with C4 explosives! Fun for the whole family!

You know the phrase "fuck like rabbits"? Apply that to your family Easter bunny diorama!

At Easter Mass, tell the parishioners that the apostles hid their Easter eggs in the Shroud of Turin.

When your mom's house is decorated with Easter lilies, remark "Did you ever notice how phallic Easter lilies are?"

When all the kids are enjoying chocolate at Easter morning, it's the perfect time to introduce Leroy, your new boyfriend.

Entertain the kids by showing them how mommy can peel an Easter egg without using her hands.

Make screaming noises whenever someone bites the head off a Peep.

You can wear white after Easter. Recruit the whole family to do experiments to make sure your tampon is up to the task.

Discuss with your family the homoerotic qualities of the name "Peter Cottontail."

Boil and dye a fertilized egg. Then crack it open and take photos of the children's joy. Then put them on Facebook.

For Easter, tell the family the story of how the giant bunny fell down Alice's hole.

Jesus' mom was one of the first ones to suspect that someone robbed her Son's grave & did terrible things to His corpse. Discuss.

Have the Easter bunny invite all the kids' moms to sit on his lap. Then have the kids do it and explain the "egg” in his pants.

Coloring eggs is fun, but once you’ve colored one, it’s just a repeat. Discover what else you can color. Add some dye to the toilet bowl.

Tell the tale of how if Jesus sees his shadow on Easter, then it’s six more weeks of Lent.

Instead of ham or fried chicken or whatever you usually have for Easter, make a delicious rabbit stew.

Hide your Easter eggs on ant hills. If you live in the south, fire ant hills. Enjoy the children’s screams of happiness.

Go to Communion by hopping up the church aisle and sing the Peter Cottontail song in appropriate lounge-lizard vocal style.

Instead of getting the kids a live bunny as an Easter gift, get them one that’s already skinned & cleaned. Encourage them to elaborate on why this is better.

Bite the ears & tail off the chocolate rabbits, and carefully re-wrap them before putting them in the Easter baskets. See what animals the kids decide they are.

And finally...
Put insulin and syringes in the Easter baskets. Watch the fun as the kids inject each other. Then after your fun-filled day of activities, enjoy the silence as they lapse into an insulin coma.

Happy Easter!

No comments: