On My Soapbox

No really, I'm literally on about soap. You'd think it wouldn't be that challenging. All I want is a decent bar of soap. Not anything like "Dr. Ganja's Super Organic Earth Soap With Genuine Cannabis Naughtiness" or "Miss Victoria's Soothing Tiny Bubble Body Cleanser With Exfoliating Aromatherapy Modules" or even "Ultra-Macho Sweaty Guy Bodybuilder Body Wash With Genuine He-Man Pheromones (Women will throw their vaginas at your armpits!)".

I just want a bar of soap. Not body wash. One that I can get at the grocery store, not have to go to a boutique, or order from a stupid catalog. I've been trying various soaps and can't find one that's decent. Here are my experiment results:

Irish Spring: Smells nothing like Ireland or spring. Perhaps they mean the bed spring from an overly-scented Dublin whore's boudoir?
Safeguard: For when I want to smell like an old men's locker room.
Olay: Dead fish. 'Nuff said.
Ivory: 99.44% pure toxic chemicals. And what is that weird itch afterwards?
Lever 2000: For when you want to announce your presence to everyones' noses while you're still out in the parking lot.
Camay: For when I want to smell like an old ladies' locker room.
Dove: Out, out, damn'd soap! I need to use a loofah afterward to get the "moisturizing" cement off.
The dogs' shampoo: Remarkably, the least offensive surfactant in my bathroom!

So, those are the soaps that are commonly available at the store. If I've overlooked any, please recommend your suggestion so I can try it. Until then, I'll be enjoying my shiny coat and freedom from fleas.